Every now and then I stumble across companies who are unwilling to play ball with my irreverent customer complaints. I have caught wind of this and as a result I have now started to screenshot my posts in an attempt to name and shame.
Coppers:
Jobs.ie:
Adrian Kennedy:
Adrian Kennedy 2:
Youth Defence:
Quorn:
Dear Quorn,
I'm a pretty quirky and kooky guy and when I
made the decision during the week to start eating meat-free products, a company
named Quorn immediately appealed to me.
So far I have tried your Quorn based sausage,
rashers (bacon to the non-Irish out there) and chicken fillets. This is the
most overused word in the English language but it is a suitable description of
your products and that is they are 'yummy'.
I was surprised by the taste of the rashers (bacon)
in particular, given that aesthetically, they are unpleasing to the eye. But
it's true what they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. The inventor of
the bacon product must not set the bar high if that is the case. Cooking the
bacon reminded me of this horror film I saw when I was younger. There was a
scene where a person was tied to a table and some sadistic baddy cut out the
person tongue and ate it.
Talk about stirring up repressed memories because I
saw that film when I was 8 and had blocked the scene out of my mind until I
cooked your bacon product.
The problem with rashers (bacon) is that it is
perfection, you cannot imitate or improve on it. Your rasher (bacon) product is
kind of like season 9 of the television show Scrubs. All the necessary
components are there: witty one-liners, attractive actors and plot line - for
your rasher (bacon) product: texture, smell and shape. However, just like
Scrubs season 9, you are missing the raison d'etre - with Scrubs that is Zach
Braff and with your rasher (bacon) product it is salt and grease. This is why I
will continue with the sausages and chicken fillets in your range but will not
stay 100% loyal to your rasher (bacon) product. From time to time I will cheat
on it with its swine counterpart.
The reason I'm writing into you - I don't normally
write into companies by the way. This is my first time. - is to make a
ambitious request to your company. Before I gave up my carnivore ways, I had
indulged myself in a off-the-menu item from a well known fast food restaurant
that has a large number of stores around the globe. I will not name the
restaurant as I feel it is not right to talk about other companies in a public
forum.
The item that I consumed at this unknown restaurant
is called a McGangBang. It consists of a double quarter pounder with cheese
with a McChicken Sandwich wedged in between it, topped off with a large fries
and a Coke.
What I'm asking from my friends (I like to think we
are friends by this stage) at Quorn is to make a Quorn version of the
McGangBang. Can you imagine the experience of having all those Quorn flavours
fusing together in your mouth, waiting to be washed down with an ice cold soda
beverage? I think it would help take away the stigma that is attached to Quorn
products. We could even start a promotional campaign with Justin Beiber being
the centre and face of the McGangBang. If he is not willing to do it maybe some
other hot shot celebrity that the kids all love these days like Tony Danza.
Please make my dream come true Quorn.
Thank you for your time and for your products.
In the words of Jonathan Bon Jovi, the poet
laureate for the glam metal genre, "Have a nice day."
Berocca:
Dear Berocca,
I'm an impatient man at the best of times. This is why I
simply cannot wait for your tablets to dissolve in the water and I simply just
chew on them. I have been doing this at my desk at 9am every day this week.
Around 11:30 I go to defecate. Given the curious nature of
my mind, I like to perform exploratory surgery on every bowel movement that I
make.
I normally take two of Jake's pens to do this. Jake sits at
the desk next to me and is very protective of company belongings. One time I
asked to borrow a pen and he said no because he likes to place the tip of the
pen in his mouth when at his computer and taking notes. He argued that if I
took the pen then I might unconsciously place the tip of the pen in my mouth
and he would be afraid of spreading germs.
I read an article in Bunty Magazine about how toilets are
actually cleaner than the human mouth due to the number of bacteria that is
present in the human mouth.
This is why I borrow his pens without his knowledge as I
feel I'm doing a good deed by cleaning them when I use them as instruments in
my exploratory surgery. I use the tip of the pens to sift through my excrement.
The pen helps to place to the side the undigested corn curdles and various
nuts.
This morning after a successful bowel evacuation I went in
with Jake's pens to survey the damage. To my surprise the excrement in question
was an luminous yellow colour. The excrement was not compact as well and was
flowing around the bowl. It reminded me of a lava lamp that I owned as a kid.
This is the first time that my body has produced such a
spectacle and I was wondering could the Berocca tablet that I consumed be at
fault?
Your advice and time on the matter would be much
appreciated.
Kind regards,
Niall.
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