Sunday 29 September 2013
Thursday 1 August 2013
After 90 Days of Medical Treatment, Lindsay Lohan Still Bears Her Genetically Inflicted Gingerness.
Troubled actress
Lindsay Lohan (27) emerged from the Cliffside Rehab Facility in Malibu yesterday in
good spirits. This is in spite of the visible signs that her intensive
treatment to cure her lifelong struggle with gingerness was not successful. The
I Know Who Killed Me star smiled at
the waiting paparazzi as she made no attempt to cover up her hair colour which
has become a social stigma.
Richard Taite, founder
and chief executive of Cliffside Malibu, spoke with the nauseated media after
Ms. Lohan had left the facility. Mr. Taite reminded reporters that while there
are no cures for gingerness, he was certain that with regular treatment, Ms.
Lohan could have a ‘somewhat’ normal life if not a struggled one.
Discussing the Herbie stars 90 day intensive treatment
in Cliffside, Mr. Taite made it clear that the medical supervision she received
was just the beginning of a long line of experimental treatments. Mr. Taite
made it clear that regular medical supervision will be required in order to
combat Lohan’s ginger tendencies. Mr. Taite called on the Superior Court judge James
Dabney to make regular visits to the facility mandatory now that the ginger is
back among the general population.
“Our entire clinical team is in unanimous agreement that if these
sessions are not required by the court and attendance verified once a month to
ensure accountability, it is a setup for almost certain failure.”
Lohan will not only
have to battle the aesthetic deformities that the ginger disease inflicts on
her, but also the behavioural aspect of the disease. “Ginger personality”, is
what Mr. Taite said will be Ms. Lohan’s biggest obstacle to overcome now that
she is back in the public eye. The general public have grown a strong
intolerance for the ‘ginger personality’ aspect of the disease after more than
a decade of enduring Seth Green.
Ms. Lohan hopes to set
up a ginger foundation to highlight the stigmas that sufferers face on a daily
basis and to provide black hair dye to those who might be too embarrassed to
buy it from a shop.
1
August 2013.
Sunday 28 July 2013
Wall of Shame
Every now and then I stumble across companies who are unwilling to play ball with my irreverent customer complaints. I have caught wind of this and as a result I have now started to screenshot my posts in an attempt to name and shame.
Coppers:
Jobs.ie:
Adrian Kennedy:
Adrian Kennedy 2:
Youth Defence:
Quorn:
Dear Quorn,
I'm a pretty quirky and kooky guy and when I
made the decision during the week to start eating meat-free products, a company
named Quorn immediately appealed to me.
So far I have tried your Quorn based sausage,
rashers (bacon to the non-Irish out there) and chicken fillets. This is the
most overused word in the English language but it is a suitable description of
your products and that is they are 'yummy'.
I was surprised by the taste of the rashers (bacon)
in particular, given that aesthetically, they are unpleasing to the eye. But
it's true what they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. The inventor of
the bacon product must not set the bar high if that is the case. Cooking the
bacon reminded me of this horror film I saw when I was younger. There was a
scene where a person was tied to a table and some sadistic baddy cut out the
person tongue and ate it.
Talk about stirring up repressed memories because I
saw that film when I was 8 and had blocked the scene out of my mind until I
cooked your bacon product.
The problem with rashers (bacon) is that it is
perfection, you cannot imitate or improve on it. Your rasher (bacon) product is
kind of like season 9 of the television show Scrubs. All the necessary
components are there: witty one-liners, attractive actors and plot line - for
your rasher (bacon) product: texture, smell and shape. However, just like
Scrubs season 9, you are missing the raison d'etre - with Scrubs that is Zach
Braff and with your rasher (bacon) product it is salt and grease. This is why I
will continue with the sausages and chicken fillets in your range but will not
stay 100% loyal to your rasher (bacon) product. From time to time I will cheat
on it with its swine counterpart.
The reason I'm writing into you - I don't normally
write into companies by the way. This is my first time. - is to make a
ambitious request to your company. Before I gave up my carnivore ways, I had
indulged myself in a off-the-menu item from a well known fast food restaurant
that has a large number of stores around the globe. I will not name the
restaurant as I feel it is not right to talk about other companies in a public
forum.
The item that I consumed at this unknown restaurant
is called a McGangBang. It consists of a double quarter pounder with cheese
with a McChicken Sandwich wedged in between it, topped off with a large fries
and a Coke.
What I'm asking from my friends (I like to think we
are friends by this stage) at Quorn is to make a Quorn version of the
McGangBang. Can you imagine the experience of having all those Quorn flavours
fusing together in your mouth, waiting to be washed down with an ice cold soda
beverage? I think it would help take away the stigma that is attached to Quorn
products. We could even start a promotional campaign with Justin Beiber being
the centre and face of the McGangBang. If he is not willing to do it maybe some
other hot shot celebrity that the kids all love these days like Tony Danza.
Please make my dream come true Quorn.
Thank you for your time and for your products.
In the words of Jonathan Bon Jovi, the poet
laureate for the glam metal genre, "Have a nice day."
Berocca:
Dear Berocca,
I'm an impatient man at the best of times. This is why I
simply cannot wait for your tablets to dissolve in the water and I simply just
chew on them. I have been doing this at my desk at 9am every day this week.
Around 11:30 I go to defecate. Given the curious nature of
my mind, I like to perform exploratory surgery on every bowel movement that I
make.
I normally take two of Jake's pens to do this. Jake sits at
the desk next to me and is very protective of company belongings. One time I
asked to borrow a pen and he said no because he likes to place the tip of the
pen in his mouth when at his computer and taking notes. He argued that if I
took the pen then I might unconsciously place the tip of the pen in my mouth
and he would be afraid of spreading germs.
I read an article in Bunty Magazine about how toilets are
actually cleaner than the human mouth due to the number of bacteria that is
present in the human mouth.
This is why I borrow his pens without his knowledge as I
feel I'm doing a good deed by cleaning them when I use them as instruments in
my exploratory surgery. I use the tip of the pens to sift through my excrement.
The pen helps to place to the side the undigested corn curdles and various
nuts.
This morning after a successful bowel evacuation I went in
with Jake's pens to survey the damage. To my surprise the excrement in question
was an luminous yellow colour. The excrement was not compact as well and was
flowing around the bowl. It reminded me of a lava lamp that I owned as a kid.
This is the first time that my body has produced such a
spectacle and I was wondering could the Berocca tablet that I consumed be at
fault?
Your advice and time on the matter would be much
appreciated.
Kind regards,
Niall.
Wednesday 17 July 2013
House of Fraser
https://www.facebook.com/houseoffraser/posts/10151604735613101?notif_t=like
Text:
Text:
"Dear House of Fraser,
Saturday 13 July 2013
5 Songs That Are Deceptively Dark
There are many songs out there that have have a catchy riff accompanied with an upbeat tempo which makes them appear to be happy songs. However, when you go to analyse the lyrics you find that there are dark undertones to the song which will change your perspective on it. Here are 5 songs that I've picked out that are happy or *sigh* pumping songs that fall into this category.
5.) Green Day - Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)
Probably one of Green Day's most well known song. It regularly features on playlists at weddings or graduations. However, most people are unaware that the song is far from a love song and is about Billie Joe Armstrong coming to accept a very nasty breakup from his girlfriend at the time. The song was written during the Dookie sessions and an early demo of the song appears as a B-side on the Insomniac album. The girlfriend the song was written about would eventually end up marrying Billie Joe but at the time things looked bleak for the two. Rather than writing a nasty hate filled song, Armstrong wanted to wish his ex well for the future and to look at their time together with fond memories. In essence the song is about unrequited love which makes it antithetical for weddings in particular. Armstrong felt the song was not very punk so gave it the title 'Good Riddance'.
4.) The Killers - Jenny Was A Friend of Mine
The song that kicks off their excellent debut album has a thumping beat accompanied with one of my favourite bass riffs of all time. It's impossible to listen to the song and not at least tap your foot to it. The song appears to be about a breakup but on closer inspection of the lyrics it's about a brutal murder taking place with the killer (hey that's the name of the band) in a interrogation room, confident that he will walk free. The sinister tone of the song is shown with the ambiguous lyrics; perhaps the most poignant line being:
"She couldn't scream while I held her close, I swore I'd never let her go."
To listen to this casually, it would appear that the singer was simply hugging 'Jenny' and that he could not accept the inevitable breakup. However, the lines "I know my rights I've been here all day and it's time, for me to go so let me know if it's alright," show that the man in the story is being questioned by the police in relation to murder that took place. The song is unofficially the last part of a trilogy of songs that the band wrote. If you play 'Leave the Bourbon on the Shelf', 'Midnight Show' and 'Jenny was a Friend of Mine' in sequence, you will here the full story and conclusion of poor Jenny's demise.
3.) Terry Jacks - Seasons in the Sun
This song had a resurgence in popularity in the last decade due to the sonorous cover by the lads from Westlife. The song certainly has a catchy chorus and evoking childhood images of playing when it was sunny outside, it is easy to forget that this song is about a man accepting his pending premature death. The song goes through a brief history of the man's life as he says his goodbye to those who are the closest to him in life. The strained relationship with his father is examined as the man realises he was a difficult child for a parent to raise and acknowledges the efforts his father made with him to try and raise him right,
"Goodbye, Papa, please pray for me,
I was the black sheep of the family.
You tried to teach me right from wrong.
Too much wine and too much song,
wonder how I get along."
At the heart of the song is the toughest part about facing death, in the opinion of the dying man, is leaving behind the tranquility of nature itself with the line, "It's hard to die, when all the birds are singing in the sky" is repeated in the verses. Personally my favourite version of this song is Nirvana's. It seems fitting that it was one of the last songs that Kurt Cobain recorded as well, I recommend looking it up on Youtube.
2.) Nirvana - Polly
I debated about placing this song in this list because it is very somber in tone. In the end I decided that put it here due to the fact if you are not aware of the background to the song, then it plays out as a weird story of a man and his parrot. This could not be farther from the truth though as the song is based on a true story about a killer who is committing gruesome acts of torture on a woman who he kidnapped. As with most of Cobain's lyrics, they go largely unnoticed due to his mumbling style of singing. The clear lines that is repeated throughout the song is "Polly wants a cracker" which alludes to a stereotypical parrot saying that is widely acknowledged in the popular culture. It's when the listener goes to see the lyrics written on a page that they can decipher that the subject matter in this song is grotesque. The most chilling line from the song "I think she wants some water, to put out the blow torch".
1.) Manic Street Preachers - Your Love Alone Is Not Enough
The Manic Street Preachers had a late renaissance with their career in 2007 with this surprise hit single. This is the first A-side duet the band had done since their debut album Generation Terrorists in 1992. 'Your Love Alone is Not Enough' reached a high charting position of number 2 in the UK, narrowly missing out on the top spot due to Beyonce and Shakira's collaboration with the song 'Beautiful Liar'. Nina Persson provides female vocals for this summer soaked song that is revved up with screeching electric guitar and elegantly placed orchestra strings in the background. The song is not typical of Manic Street Preachers who are more well known for their somber music backed by politically subversive lyrics.
The song is written by the bands bass player Nicky Wire. To put simply, the song is a conversation between Wire and missing band member (presumed dead and officially declared dead in November 2008) Richey Edwards. Edwards went missing in 1994 and it is widely believed that he committed suicide. The title of the song is from the last line of a suicide note written by a close friend of the band. Edwards had battled clinical depression for most of his adult life and it began to grow worse when the band shot to popularity with their third album 'The Holy Bible'. Wire was the closest in terms of friendship with Edwards and witnessed the pain that Edwards was going through first hand and how he would try to hide it from the rest of the band, "Through all the pain your eyes stayed Blue they stayed Blue Baby Blue". Edwards wrote the majority of the bands lyrics for their first three albums, he found it difficult to cope with the popularity of the band as their fan base grew. This makes Wire's vocals more poignant on this song. Wire rarely sings because to his own admission he is not very good. However, his vocals come out of the blue at the last chorus of the song saying, "I could have written all your lines, I could have shown you, how to cry." This is Wire telling Edwards he would have taken the burden of writing the band's lyrics from him if it meant that he would have peace of mind. This is why I place this song on this list.
Saturday 6 July 2013
They Were Actually Pretty Good in That Film... Top 10 Actors Who Were Not Expected to be Good in a Film
This is the top 10 list of actors who might not be usually be placed in the thespian category but have turned out one or two good films over the span of their career.
10.) Tobey Maguire - Wonder Boys
Maguire plays a gifted young writer who is under the guidance of a washed up author and college professor played by Michael Douglas. Maguire plays a disturbing role in this film, long before his Spider-man days. The character who is gifted is also disturbed and puts those around him in an uneasy position with his encyclopedic knowledge of how celebrities committed suicide. This film sees Maguire and Robert Downey Jr. in bed at one stage, so if you watch it you can tell your friends you saw Spider-man and Iron Man in bed together . An honourable mention should go to Katie Holmes who also is excellent in this film.
9.) Zach Galifianakis - It's Kind of a Funny Story / Visioneers
Best known for his role as Alan in the Hangover trilogy, it might surprise some that Bradley Cooper is not the only actor that excels at dramatic acting as well as comedy. It's Kind of a Funny Story sees Galifianakis play a recovering addict who is described in the novel of the film as a 'garbage head'. This is a junkie that will take any drug handed to them. His acting ability is highlighted in this role as he acts as a sort of mentor to the protagonist Craig, while fighting his personal demons. Galifianakis also stars in the dystopian film Visoneers, which examines a world where corporate life has taken over the will of the people. This results in people 'exploding' as they try to face the mundane task of trying to increase productivity. Galifiankis acting in this is fantastic and shows what a true talent he has when not placed in his comfort zone of playing absurd humour.
8) Joshua Jackson - One Week
I stumbled upon this independent Canadian film on Netflix about two months ago and instantly connected with it. Jackson who is best known for his stint as regular cast member on Dawson's Creek, plays a failed author and English teacher who finds out he has terminal cancer. Rather than facing treatment he decides to purchase a motorbike and travel across Canada. The film is unique because it a road film that captures the beautiful scenery of Canada. While traveling across the country, Jackson's character encounters many different people from all walks of life which is intriguing for the viewer. The film is about a man facing his mortality but also gives a lesson to those who are not happy in their life to change the course they are on because it is not too late. I highly recommend this film.
7.) Jude Law - The Talented Mr. Ripley
Hollywood's sexiest actor rarely gets the critical acclaim he rightly deserves. Early on in his career he starred in the brilliant The Talented Mr. Ripley alongside Matt Damon. Law's character psychotic climax is probably one of the most memorable scenes in the whole film. Although has gone on to do more films, in my opinion this is his finest moment as an actor.
6.) Mark Wahlberg - The Departed
This remake of the Hong Kong film Infernal Affairs sees Marky Mark play a foul mouth detective who works with the informants of the police department. A largely unlikable character but excellently played by Wahlberg, sees the character redeem himself by the end of the film. The film fails to match up with the grittiness of the original but it is beautifully shot. Another Honorable mention goes to Alec Baldwin in this film who also enjoys great acting credits from appearing in Glengarry Glen Ross and Talk Radio.
5.) Adam Sandler - Punch-Drunk Love / Reign Over Me
Sandler who is probably best known for his lowbrow comedy films has not had a good comedy since the start of the millennium. However, two of his films from the 00s are excellent and are not from his formulaic comedy genre. Punch-Drunk Love delves into a surreal story that begins with Sandler's character answering a phone call. Sandler's character is a man who does not fit in neatly to societies norms and for this he is seen as an outcast. A series of phone calls leads the character on a bizarre journey.
Reign Over Me deals with the trauma that New Yorker's faced after 9/11. Although the directing in the film can be patchy at times, what saves it from becoming tedious to watch is Sandler's acting that helps the audience get engrossed with the narrative. His character refuses to face reality after his entire family were killed in the attacks on the World Trade Center. Watching Sandler deal with psychotic issues is surprisingly rewarding.
4.) Eminem - 8 Mile
Eminem was in a film? and it was good? Yes and yes. What should have been placed in the DVD bargain bin is one of the biggest surprises in cinema from the last ten years. This semi-biographical film sees Eminem playing the role of a rapper who struggles to get recognised for his talent. Seeing Eminem playing a role where the character has crippling stage fright is a bewildering experience when you think that this is the same guy who became so well known back in the day with 'My Name is.' 50 Cent tried to recreate the 8 Mile magic with his film 'Get Rich or Die Tryin'' but with little to no success. Even Jim Sheridan could not save it from being a mess. If you have not watched 8 Mile I highly suggest you leave your rapping prejudice at the door and allow yourself to enter a world of escapism through the eyes of Marshal Mathers.
3.) Elijah Wood - Everything is Illuminated
Fresh from the set from the Lord of the Rings trilogy, Elijah Wood takes on this peculiar role in Everything is Illuminated. I have no reason to suggest that Wood would not be a good actor other than I was surprised how different this role was from anything else he had done up to that point. Wood plays a Jewish writer who goes to his grandfather's homeland in Ukraine looking for a woman who saved him during the Holocaust. Despite the dark subject matter there are moment of well crafted humour. The family that take him around Ukraine are well scripted (if not a bit stereotyped) and has a very poignant ending.
2.) Steve Carell - Little Miss Sunshine
As funny as Carell might be, in 2006 his acting abilities to this point had been limited. The 40-Year-Old Virgin is probably what he was best known for at this time and he had yet to show off his dramatic abilities in The Office as only the first (terrible season compared to how good show got afterwards) season had been on television. This is why it was surprising to see Carell play a very convincing character who was recovering from a failed suicide attempt. In my opinion, I thought Carell was the best part of this film but Alan Arkin being a close second, playing the junkie, politically incorrect and foul mouthed grandfather. Carell would exercise his dramatic abilities again in Dan in Real Life but has yet to fully commit himself to a proper dramatic role, which is unfortunate as he shows he would be capable of doing so.
1.) Jim Carrey - Man on the Moon
Jim Carrey is probably most famous for talking out of his ass (literally - see Ace Ventura). However, within the space of a few months Carrey managed to shock audiences with the highly successful The Truman Show and the less successful Man on the Moon. Both films showed a side of Carrey that audiences had not been aware of until these releases. While Man on the Moon might not have been a huge commercial hit, it certainly went down a storm with critics and the audience members who did watch it. After watching the film it is impossible to imagine anyone else taking on the role of the late genius Andy Kaufman. Kaufman who was known for his hoaxes and irreverent humour was brought back to life by Carey for this film. Friends and family of Kaufman who visited the set of Man on the Moon while it was filming were left in tears when talking to Carrey. Carrey stayed in character even when filming had stopped in between shooting and those who knew Kaufman when he was alive could not comprehend that it was not him. The film is a fitting telling of Kaufman's story and Carrey is a surprising fitting actor to play him.
Tuesday 2 July 2013
Bowling For Soup - 22 OCT. 2010, The Academy, Dublin.
BOWLING FOR SOUP - 22 OCT. 2010, The Academy, Dublin.
Two years since the bubblegum punk rockers from Texas graced Ireland with their presence at Oxegen, Bowling for Soup returned triumphantly to a more warming crowd than the one they faced at Punchestown. Undeterred by the Irish crowd that previously greeted the band by throwing iPods, among a vast array of personal insults written on toilet paper, the band appeared to be in good spirits. This was evident by the lead singer greeting all audience members as they walked through the entrance at the beginning of the night. The humble act of gratitude helped to set up a nice ambiance for what the rest of the show would provide.
Opening with tracks from their most recent album ‘Sorry for Partying’, the band played a host of crowd pleasing songs that have garnered them a cult status over their two decade life span. The band's real magic lies in their ability to not only get the crowd moving with upbeat pop-punk but by their crowd banter between songs. You have never heard a guitar played properly until you have heard Chris Burney tell the crowd to be silent and then proceeding to let out a flatulent on the strings that much to the surprise of the audience plays a nice note. Lead singer Jarred Reddick is pleased with the tour as it heads into its final night saying, “When I get home I'm going to make my wife's [EXPLETIVE DELETE] look like it had a second kid.” Highlights of the night included a nice rendition of Bon Jovi's ‘You Give Love a Bad Name’.
GIG RATING: 8.5/10
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)